I keep returning to my high school graduation day and dreaming. It may be the romance of a past era, it might be the words of an 80s track reverberating but no matter what it is, the dream is there...
I remember the mixed feelings of regret and excitement all playing together in some kind of weird symphony....the kind you'd get when an orchestra backs Guns N' Roses.
I want the feeling back that I'm on the verge of a new and exciting adventure. The dream that life could take me anywhere and the hope of developing a new identity.
Strange to say, two decades out of high school I still long to be my own person. It seems that life has just happened to me for so long and I have not been pro-active in making things happen.
Things need to change. Radically
I have never been a fan of change for change sake but it seems there is too much more to be experienced than lives inside my tiny bubble.
Herein lies the problem.
I have a mild work addiction.
In my attempt to rebuilt my life I have spent nearly every waking moment either at work or thinking about getting back there. I'm all for being fiscally responsible but the process is grinding me down and there are moments when I feel I could explode unless something changes.
I like the structure that a busy work life brings. I like planning for holidays way down the track to give me something to look forward to. In fact, I have already enjoyed two of such holidays, one of which I wrote about here. Walking the streets of America and sharing coffee and diet coke with friends are experiences I shall never forget. What I long for is more of that excitement and spontaneity amongst the daily grind.
The mountain top moments must remain but the valleys must be raised.
Onward and upward....
Sunday, August 26, 2012
I don’t know where it all began but I continue searching for a place to call my own. A place where I am known and understood and I am me in all of my imperfections..
I need a “Cheers” theme song playing here..
Throughout the busy days at work and as I lay myself down to sleep I hear the chorus repeating softly in my mind….
”You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name. “
For as long as I can remember insecurity and self doubt have been my constant companions. I hear their unwelcome footsteps creeping behind me at the most inopportune moments. In the middle of conversation or on the way to meet up with friends, I hear them whisper in my ear. I see my failings and shortcomings amplified as never before and immediately feel out of place and awkward.
Expectations and responsibilities terrify me. No matter how many times I perform a task, I feel that I’m building myself up for a fall; for the unavoidable moment when I am expected to do it and fail. These doubts have been the building blocks of my personal and professional life and they are impossible to shake
I sit in rooms full of people and drift off into another world. I see groups of folks who seem to understand their place and are comfortable with it. People getting on with their lives and making sense of the madness; overcoming adversity
to make a new life and then left to confront the reality that is being me.
For a long time I’ve secretly hoped someone would appear out of nowhere with the answer. I am prone to wandering glances and hopeful looks, waiting for that person. As time goes by however, I have learned to live with the uncertainty. I am what I am and there is a certain amount of solace in continuing with the status quo.
So many unresolved questions remain. And here they shall play out….