Monday, April 4, 2011

The Struggle

Sometimes the words seem to come at 100 miles an hour at others they are a dribble, a real strive in fact.

When I originally began blogging in October I had so much on my mind...just so much. It wasn’t the normal kind of lifestyle “stuff”, I’m talking more in terms of “
baggage” or unprocessed mess in my mind. So much of it was diabetes related. It related to complications that have and still do rack my body, in addition to the added mental stress of a manually operated pancreas. I arrived in the DOC a complete package of …..of…...need.

I understand that some folk have an almost superhuman ability to overcome adversity, whose sense of optimism (or whatever else) sees them push through at any cost. I am unfortunately not one of those people. For me things tend to move slowly. Unlike the words of a blog post which can sometimes roll of the mind, I am very slow at making headway into long standing and difficult issues. In truth sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees and progress is very hard to notice.
Reflecting on a whirlwind six months I am happy to announce that I can see some movement. It is patchy, inconsistent and unpredictable but there is some movement. The emotional dark clouds of diabetes that brought me on line have shown some signs of dissipating but I am all to aware that the wounded dog is often more dangerous than the healthy one. I remain cautious and guarded...uncertain I guess

I am amazed at how so many wonderful people in the DOC have accepted me. In stark contrast to my home environment, I am at my most normal being who I am here...diabetic. I appreciate that the illness is not meant to be definitive but I lived through a long period of denial and found that so much more destructive. The feeling of belonging and connection is, in all honesty, irreplaceable. It is the cool sea breeze after a hot summers day and the last quarter come from behind win from my favourite sports team.

I have posted before about how complications skew my perspective. I feel like I let the team down in a sense by having so many things wrong. I can run great BGs yet the issues remain, worse still I can have body and BG issues running concurrently. Growing up I was always one of the “good” kids in class, I would never have dreamed that by my mid thirties my body would be such a mess BUT those are the facts, now I am trying to move beyond them. I am placing my marker flag down and taking things one yard at a time….sometimes the whole ten is just too far ahead.

For now I am celebrating the great people of the DOC. I am accepting the inconsistencies of diabetes and struggling along with my less than perfect body. I am learning to take my eyes off the things I cannot change and just enjoy what remains, great people, amazing stories and a healthy serving of inspiration.

The struggle goes on but now it is not alone. It is struggle with purpose...struggle to get through to another day to read another story. To discover how my friends are faring, to read of their victories with diabetes and of their struggles, to feel inspired, to feel the heartbreak but most of all to feel the connection.

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